GRIEF: the neglected emotion following loss
Grief is a normal feeling characterized by the emotional suffering and heartache you feel when something or someone you love is taken away from you. Grief does not only occur in response to the death of a loved one. It can occur in response to the knowledge that you have lost time or opportunities that are no longer available to you. The pain of loss can feel especially overwhelming because you will likely experience many different unexpected and difficult emotions simultaneously. Your ability to notice and decrease your anxiety, and to identify and constructively deal with your feelings will help you to process your grief in healthy ways instead of being held captive by it.
The Five Stages of Grief
World renowned psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross wrote extensively about the five stages of grief that represent the typical sequence of feeling and dealing that people experience when facing death or significant change. However, these stages are not always experienced in a predictable order. Instead, the stages can last for inconsistent durations of time and can even co-exist. It is important to remember that people are unique and can experience grief and its stages differently. Grief that does not get fully processed (pathological mourning) often results in psychological difficulties, either at the time of loss, or spread out over time leading to symptoms that may not be easily identifiable as a consequence of the original, earlier loss.
The Importance of Saying Goodbye
To process grief, we must emotionally and intellectually say goodbye to what and who we lost. A well-rounded ending is defined as an ending marked by an experience of closure, where the person feels that he has done everything possible to tie up loose ends and acknowledge what was previously unconscious or unspoken. If a well-rounded ending is not achieved, the grieving person could be flooded by feelings of regret or obsessions which interfere with the healthy transition into a new phase of life. This interrupted mourning can share many symptoms of—and similarities with—post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Since we tend to avoid facing feelings that are too painful for us to bear alone, an experienced psychologist or other expert can help you face and process the feelings that are too difficult to access or to bear by yourself.
Tips for Managing the Goodbyes in your Life.
Remember that loss and goodbyes are a part of life, and that grief is a feeling that is just as important as any other feeling you have and is deserving of tender respect. Feelings pass if we honor them. And grieving is a process, which usually gets experienced as waves of emotion. Don’t rush your grief. Ride grief’s waves and take comfort in the fact that someone or something meant so much to you. Open your mind and your heart to all that grief can teach you about what matters to you. Take the time to understand what your grief can convey to you about your values, your precious memories, and the time, places or people that touched your life.
Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and any anxiety you feel (that can distract you from your grief). Let those waves of feeling move through you so you can find relief and resurrect or remodel your sense of purpose.
Get curious! Make space in your mind and heart for the many different emotions and longings that loss stirs up in you.
Create an action plan designed to help you elevate your grief processing strategies.
Try not to use weed, alcohol, recreational drugs, pornography, or streaming services to escape from your grief.
Try not to detach or dissociate. Pretending you did not suffer a loss does not make it unhappen.
You are likely stronger than you know.
Telling yourself you have the strength to grow through this loss experience could be the first step in your constructive healing and growth process.
Hold and nurture yourself the way you would a child who has lost a relative, a friend, or something of value.
Practice compassion, tenderness, patience with YOURSELF. Nurture your own life force while you mourn the physical loss of another.
Consider developing a practice where you erect a "continuing bond” practice. How can you stay connected to and engaged with the spirit of the person or the entity you lost?
Talk to yourself with curiosity and compassion. Talk to trusted others who have a genuine interest in your feelings and your quality of life. We tend to imitate the caregiving qualities of our parents in the way we treat ourselves and others (internalized attachment patterns). If your parents did not pay attention to your grief or their own, make a commitment to treat your own feelings, and the feelings of others you care for, differently. In so doing, you can stop the intergenerational transmission of trauma.
Consult an expert who can help you process your loss and provide you with tools to move forward with intention and efficiency. Many local hospitals and mental health clinics offer grief therapy groups. Try to find someone who has the experience and skill to help you process your strong feelings instead of someone who guides you to distract yourself or bury your feelings. Don’t aggravate and prolong your pain by postponing your healing.
The feelings we do not properly process can weigh us down and lead to disruptive, perpetual anxiety along with a depressed state of mind.
